“We are taught that faith is a gift, and sometimes I wonder why some have it and some do not.” – Dorothy Day, On Pilgrimage, Introduction, pp. 13 Faith has only struck me in the “feelings” sense of the word twice in my life. In the spaces between, my mind immediately went to all the …
Continue reading Faith Is Not My Gift
My toddler, Finn, knows five words: mama, dada, raccoon, Daisy (my parent’s dog) — and Zach. Four of these words he picked up on his own, the last one I heavily influenced. As soon as Finn was old enough to understand words and expressions, I’d carry him to our hallway, show him a photo of …
Remember the sea turtle, Zach? The one you saw in Mexico? Remember how peaceful it was, how beautiful? The air was salty and warm. The sea turtle kept swimming alongside us. Zach nods after each pause between my sentences. His eyes are closed in concentration as he focuses on taking each breath, but he hears …
Zach was hope. I could sit on the couch across the room, look at him and think in an offhanded and assured way, "that is what hope looks like." I could hear laughter or strumming guitar from my room, indicators that life was moving forward with a soundtrack rather than with the silence of illness. …
Last year, at around 5:50 a.m., I heard a crash upstairs. When I awoke, I simply said, "No." I tried to run, but my muscles were not racing as fast as my mind-- my mind was already holding my brother, how dearly I wanted to hold my brother. I made it upstairs to find my mom crouched …
Dear Zach, Though I have missed you, I know you- I know you in ways that were impossible to discover when you were alive. You are no longer framed in the photograph I carried with me on my wedding day. You are the tiny artifacts I find in the seconds of my stresses and struggles- guitar …
I have a dream that occurs about once a month. Zach is lying on the couch in our basement, struggling to breathe and he's clearly about to die. I am kneeling next to him, holding his hands, throwing any comforting word I possibly can about to him about God--how Zach will be better, how he …
