NOTE: I'll be publishing my poetry on here. You can find it first at @allilshoemaker on Instagram. Thanks for reading. You Were Rome// for Zach (1995-2013) 4.09.19 Alli Shoemaker I decided not to go to Rome because you were dying But I discovered after all that the cathedrals lived in you Between …
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Maybe The Fairy Tales Are True
In true All Souls' Day fashion, it's a dreary, gray and cold day in Minnesota. As I was reflecting in prayer today, it all came rushing back: the tosses, turns and violent stumbles of my brother Zach's death; the quiet whispers packed with desperate, last-minute love. But it's days like All Souls' Day when this …
Faith Is Not My Gift
“We are taught that faith is a gift, and sometimes I wonder why some have it and some do not.” – Dorothy Day, On Pilgrimage, Introduction, pp. 13 Faith has only struck me in the “feelings” sense of the word twice in my life. In the spaces between, my mind immediately went to all the …
Three Years & Five Words
My toddler, Finn, knows five words: mama, dada, raccoon, Daisy (my parent’s dog) — and Zach. Four of these words he picked up on his own, the last one I heavily influenced. As soon as Finn was old enough to understand words and expressions, I’d carry him to our hallway, show him a photo of …
How a Sea Turtle Helped Me Grieve
Remember the sea turtle, Zach? The one you saw in Mexico? Remember how peaceful it was, how beautiful? The air was salty and warm. The sea turtle kept swimming alongside us. Zach nods after each pause between my sentences. His eyes are closed in concentration as he focuses on taking each breath, but he hears …
To Hope Anyway
Zach was hope. I could sit on the couch across the room, look at him and think in an offhanded and assured way, "that is what hope looks like." I could hear laughter or strumming guitar from my room, indicators that life was moving forward with a soundtrack rather than with the silence of illness. …
Together, we cry.
Last year, at around 5:50 a.m., I heard a crash upstairs. When I awoke, I simply said, "No." I tried to run, but my muscles were not racing as fast as my mind-- my mind was already holding my brother, how dearly I wanted to hold my brother. I made it upstairs to find my mom crouched …
Dear Brother
Dear Zach, Though I have missed you, I know you- I know you in ways that were impossible to discover when you were alive. You are no longer framed in the photograph I carried with me on my wedding day. You are the tiny artifacts I find in the seconds of my stresses and struggles- guitar …
Sanctuary
I have a dream that occurs about once a month. Zach is lying on the couch in our basement, struggling to breathe and he's clearly about to die. I am kneeling next to him, holding his hands, throwing any comforting word I possibly can about to him about God--how Zach will be better, how he …
To Know Him at All
I remember walking into my parent's living room after my college classes and seeing my mom sprawled on the floor, crying. It was about two or three years into Zach's diagnosis, which had turned from chemo and hip replacements to experiments, large colorful pills, and patchy hair. Cancer became a lifestyle, and everyone in my …
